Zen #2: Nut Butter August 6, 2009

Ah, I’ll have to combine two days now!
Yesterday was okay. My sleep schedule’s still way off (4am-1:30pm), so I end up eating at really odd times and then sort of bingeing every night. Breakfast is pictured below, then I had class (which I hate), during which I ate all the veggies off of the pizza my prof brought and a pb/diet jelly sandwich (2 light bread, 1T Naturally More pb and diet jelly), had the stir-fry I made the day before (recipe and picture tomorrow, PROMISE) and then, the binge: 100 Nutter Butter bar, 70 calories of cookies, a pack of melba toast (100 calories), 100-150 calories of the peanut butter I made w/.5 a kangaroo pita, and a spiru-tein s’mores protein shake. THAT’S a binge, right?
Calorie Total: about 1450-1500

Hummus sandwich and a boca burger w/ketchup (a 4pm!)

Today was mostly okay, got up, lifted weights, had “breakfast (a low-carb yogurt, 2 light bread and 2 laughing how light cheese with some veggies), did some homework, had my “nutella” (recipe below) with a pita, went for a walk, binged when I got home. I don’t know if it’s really a binge though. I ate about 1/4c of the hummus I made, a slice of low cal bread and a kashi frozen tortilla, maybe about 1/4c of pumpkin seeds. Is that a binge?
Is that even too much?
I’ve still planned the banana split for dessert/bedtime snack (at 2am probably!).
~Calorie total (after banana split is about 1500)

Okay, enough of the food journaling, on the Zen (I DO want all of you to comment on what you think though….I’m getting so scared my PCOS/blood sugar issues caused by the Zyprexa will get even worse and I’ll gain weight/develop full-blown diabetes! It’s making me count calories again and just obsess, but I want to be normal about my weight loss, not OBSESSED!

Last night, when I couldn’t sleep, I did a remake on my “Nutella” recipe. This one actually had roasted hazelnuts in it! By the way, if you’ve never roasted hazelnuts before, it’s a real pain, but well worth it when you reap the culinary masterpieces it creates. I wanted so desperately to measure, but I thought about the zen. Really, I thought about how I measured every little ingredient the first time and how the nut butter was un-spreadable: yummy, but un-spreadable nonetheless.

So, what am I supposed to do? I stand, staring at the empty vita-mix container. I know how to make it yummy, but how to I make it SPREAD? I knew the answer, but didn’t want it and, as happens with most of the answers I have that I don’t want, I pushed it away saying the task of making spreadable, healthy nutella was impossible.

Then I heard the voice of my dearest friend and only angel, Julie (I would go as far as to post her last name but I don’t want to compromise her security). I met Julie when I switched schools my senior year of high school and she immediately reached out to me. I was an anorexic mess at the time, refused to speak to anyone at my new school and forced everyone who TRIED to be kind to me away. I missed my old school so much, I would dream of going back, just for a moment, to be with the same “smart, funny, nice” prep-school kids.

Julie was different. She wouldn’t have been my first choice for a friend (she was, what I considered back THEN, extremely obese and a Jesus-freak), but she has taught me that appearances are deceiving and, sometimes, what you think makes a person different and bad is what makes them your life. Now, I am even ashamed to ADMIT that I would EVER think of anyone (much less HER) in that manner. My deranged 90lb mind couldn’t even comprehend her beauty, but she managed to find mine (even though the first words I ever said to her were exactly that-”leave me alone. I want nothing to do with a fat Jesus-freak”). A shiver runs up my spine thinking about how she could have gone to the administration and demanded my expulsion, my heart skips a beat thinking of how any other person would have reacted and a tear falls down my face with the sheer guilt of what I had done.

She was taken aback, but not deterred. The next day, she came to me again, and offered to go for a walk around the building with me after school and show me the best hiding spots for a quiet moment. Then, I was a little taken aback. Who is this girl? Who just won’t let me be? I decided to go with her, thinking, if nothing else, it would make her leave me alone. It didn’t and, after that first walk, I didn’t even want it to. Ever since the moment when I gave her every reason to hurt to me till the moment I write this statement, she has been my strength.

Not only has she tolerated me through all my breakdowns and torture (I won’t elaborate here, once again for her security), she showed me other people who could be my friends and she gave me what little hope I have. She believed in me.

“Don’t worry. You’ll get better, Mekkie,” she would say with a big smile, “I know you will. You can’t die, now, Mekkie. You have to live long enough to be happy. You deserve it.”

No one else had ever said this to me. Not even my parents. Not even when I was 5-years-old. I had never EVER deserved anything. I had always had to earn. I always had to be strong. I was always the big sister, the child on the pedestal, or the one with no friends. I was always criticized: even to this day my mother (who I will still say had no bad intentions and loves me with all her heart despite her numerous shortcomings as an Indian immigrant) will tell me that she did right because a mother’s job is to “fix” their kids and “train” them so that they can become “right” people. When I had an eating disorder, I was inherently wrong and, until I came out of it, I would be criticized and criticized. Her voice still echoes in my head.

Julie’s voice is there too. All the time, I can almost feel her arms around me, telling me that I DO matter and that she won’t LET me die. I almost bought a WWJD bracelet once, NOT because I can or ever will believe in God, but because I wanted to say to myself at every possible moment What Would Julie Do? That’s not appropriate though because I really don’t care what Julie would DO-I care what she would SAY to me. Unfortunately, they don’t make bracelets for that.

As I pushed the nutella thought away, Julie hung on to it. I thought of what she would say. She would tell me (in kinder words) that I was being an idiot and that I should buck up and realize she promised me I would get better and she’s sick of waiting! (Okay, so it’s not really HER voice, it’s the voice of my mother + Julie, but at least it’s there!)

So, here it is, no you my little French friend, a perfect Nutella!

Nutella

Chocolate Almond-Hazelnut Spread

• flaxseeds (about 2T)
• 4-5 splenda, or 4-5t of brown sugar/white sugar
• 1/2 scoop Vanilla WHEY protein powder (make sure it doesn’t act as a THICKENER, i.e. make liquids into a shake)
• a small spoonful or two cocoa powder
• a handful (about 1/4c.) of wheat bran (you can toast it first if you want but I wasn’t about to toast anything after I got done with the hazelnuts)
• 1 3/4c. Emerald Cocoa Roasted Almonds
• a handful (about 15-30) of ROASTED hazelnuts

→It’s really simple. Put the ingredients into a food processor container or very high-quality blender (I have a vita-mix) in the order listed and whiz away! SO much better than the store bought Nutella which is 99% sugar.

Uh-oh…I think the melatonin I took is starting to kick in. I’ll have to do the stir-fry later.

Zen #1: Of the art of hummus August 5, 2009

Today’s actually a bit of a mixed day: I didn’t accomplish the goal I set out for originally but I realize now that I was too ambitious. Eating what, how and when I want in the amount I need should be the end goal, a hope more than a goal. I did, however, accomplish the goal I had planned to set for my Mediterranean month, which was mastering the Zen of hummus.

Being the sort of person who would eat all my mom’s chickpeas before she could use them for cooking channa masala, I consider myself a hummus connoisseur. It’s like all my favorite ingredients added into one blended concoction: chickpeas, lemon and garlic, all of which I use in excess when I cook (see notes on some previous recipes). I could live with nothing more than a spoon and bottomless bowls of hummus and peanut butter.

It’s a strange thing, really, as I never really intended to do this. It just–happened. I had slaved over a chinese-style stir fry (which I’ll post tomorrow) and all of a sudden I had a thought: I want hummus. That’s it. It had to be done. Right then. I NEEDED hummus. I knew that, if I didn’t have hummus NOW, I would binge on something else and still feel miserable. It was like a little voice inside yelled “Give me some freaking hummus, God damn it!!!!”

Unfortunately for me, hummus, as I have learned the hard way comes in good and bad varieties and the good variety is NEVER produced by measurement. Instead, it is produced by this inner zen that is beyond the guess and check of normal recipes. One must enter a different state of mind when making this concoction, everyone’s “hummus zone” (as I have termed it) is different, which is why every chef’s hummus taste so different. I always tell people that hummus is, like poetry, a representation of the soul and bad hummus indicates either a lack of knowledge (most commonly) or an inability to accept the fact that you cannot measure good hummus. (Unless you have a machine that measures the ingredients for you while you can go on making without losing your Zen….such a machine may exist in a few large-scale factory operations).

Anyone who tells you that hummus can be made a certain way or that their hummus is “the best recipe their friends have ever tasted” does not know the art of hummus. I find it sad and pitiful that such a delicacy has been demeaned enough to become part of the American “*insert culture name* like-substance”. It has been a long standing dream of mine to journey to Egypt or Greece or (dare I say it having come from Hindu parents?) Arabic countries so that I may taste the hummus of the true artists.

So here is Zen #1: Hummus, like everything good in life, needs to be realized: it is the individual personified in an edible substance. Show me a man who makes the perfect hummus and I will show you a man who has the perfect soul. Unfortunately, such a thing does not exist but, like human nature itself, it is the imperfections that make the soul perfect, is it not? Herein lies the Zen: love your imperfections, even though they make you scarred.

Darn, I’ll have to think of a new goal for the Mediterranean month now!

Hummus

My Zen-ed Up Hummus

• 1 can of chickpeas (I used low sodium)
• Naturally More peanut butter
• flax seeds
• olive oil
• lemon juice
• garlic
• salt

→Blend an enjoy!

As for the rest of today, it was pretty ordinary. I woke up really late feeling shitty because of a carb/fat binge last night (nuts, bread, cereal) but, looking back, the whole day didn’t amount to more than roughly 1500-1700 calories. Even though I live what I would say is an EXTREMELY sedentary lifestyle, maybe I need to accept that this is what I need to eat to lose weight. According to my scale’s analysis, I burn about 2600 a day. Subtract about 200 for my lifestyle, factor in 5-10% for error and and it’s around 1500 for weight loss mode. I took a picture of some of my meals, but here’s a basic rundown of what I ate: 1/2 banana, kim’s light bagel w/fat free cream cheese, low carb yogurt, 1 oz cocoa roasted almonds, most of a kangaroo pita pocket, 2 slices light bread and a “banana split” in a bowl with Spirutein “ice cream”.

"Breakfast"

I know it's a little blurry, but it was the only picture where you could see the strawberries peeking through

Peanut Butter Gelato April 19, 2009

In the spirit of the (probably short-lived) streak of good weather we’re having, I thought I’d post another ice cream recipe. This one needs an ice cream maker to really get the feel you’re going for, but on the plus side, it’s a great way to stretch that peanut butter flavor farther for fewer calories.

Ice cream like substances are one of my favorite pseudo desserts. Not only for all the same reasons kids scream for it, but also because it seems so apt to pseudo-izing. See, ice cream/frozen yogurt isn’t like cookies or chocolates…it’s not DESIGNED to be unhealthy. In fact, the basic principles behind ice cream are the same as a smoothie and, like most other healthy foods gone bad, the difference between diet friendly ice cream and ben and jerry’s is the same as the difference between a smoothie and a milkshake.

Every ice cream starts the same: dairy, to which is added sweetener and flavorings (there are some ice creams where you add eggs and what not but that’s just too much of a pain for me). You do need a minimal amount of fat for texture, but, as in my other frozen yogurt post, this can usually be worked around by using some chemical additive.

Or, you could just keep the fat and use this necessity as an excuse to get a peanut butter fix for fairly fewer calories than the peanut butter alone would cost you. This is the excuse I used when making this gelato…

Just like Ice Cream
1. 2 cups soymilk (I like 8th continent light original)
2. 1/4c. brown sugar substitute (sugar free maple syrup or splenda…but you might need more-remember when you’re tasting the batter that foods lose flavor as temperature decreases)
3. 1/4c. peanut butter (try to use good stuff, not jif or skippy)
4. 1tsp vanilla

Mix everything together and let the machine do the work. Or you could pour it into a tray, put it in the freezer and stir it every 30-60 minutes.

If you use the 8th Continent Light Original, calorie free maple syrup and Naturally More peanut butter the entire pint comes out to 450 calories….not bad for a pint of ice cream.

Peanut-buttery Chicken (or Chik’n) April 4, 2009

Apparently, no one has any recipes they’d like redone so I can ramble on about peanut butter and fake meat without guilt.

Speaking of peanut butter, I was at Wal-Mart yesterday (yes, I shop at Wal-Mart, and, yes, I do know they’re bad for the economy and all, but they have a lot of stuff that’s hard to find in other places) and I found a new “like substance” to add to my collection. It’s called Naturally More and it tastes like Jif’s peanut butter with honey but has far less sugar and fat. Needless to say, I got a little too excited and bought 3 jars, which I realized (the moment I walked in the door) was way more than I should be eating off a spoon.

So I developed a recipe…sort of. It’s really too easy to be called a recipe, more a harmonizing of ingredients to create a meal. Quickly.

Chicken and Broccoli in Peanutty Sauce Serves 1
1. 2T peanut butter (use Naturally More…or, eh, something else)
2. 2T water
3. 1/2T soy sauce
4. 1t brown sugar or maple syrup (If you’re not obsessed with sweetness like I am and you use a sweeter peanut butter, you really don’t even need this)
5. 3/4 clove garlic or 1/2 tsp garlic powder (if you use the garlic you have to roast it first so, if you don’t cook a lot normally, you might just want to go with the powder and use a little more if it’s not garlicky enough)
6. Crushed red pepper or chili (NOT chili powder, which is actually a blend of spices that’s used to make chili)
7. 1 chicken breast (I used Quorn’s meatless chicken breasts)
8. 3oz broccoli – about 1/2 cup (thank god for spell check)
→ Mix everything except the chicken and broccoli in a small bowl
Cook chicken as you normally would (for the meatless chicken I just pop it in the microwave for a minute or two) and cut it into strips
Spray a nonstick pan with cooking spray and add the cooked chicken, the broccoli and just enough water to cover the broccoli
Put a lid over the pan and simmer (on low heat) until the broccoli is steamed
Pour the sauce in and stir (if there’s too much water left, pour some out before you put the sauce in)
Don’t eat too fast

A Little Nutty March 4, 2009

I love peanut butter. I am one of those people that sits in front of my computer reading about the salmonella scare with nothing but a jar of peanut butter and a spoon–a very large spoon. Unfortunately, I am also one of those people who is constantly on a diet in a vain attempt to reshape my body to fit society’s standards. Equally saddening is the fact that, while everyone seems to have a misconceived notion that peanut butter is “healthy,” it really isn’t (it is, after all, butter). 

Fear not! This story of peanut love has a happy ending. I realize it’s not peanut butter (exactly), but believe me when I tell you it’s much better and much more fun to eat off of a spoon. Not to mention there’s no worry over that whole salmonella thing.

Chocolate Almond Butter
2T flax seeds
1-2T cocoa powder (depending on how chocolatey you like it)
3/8c WHEY protein powder (vanilla works best in this recipe)
1/3c+1/4c wheat bran (toast it first if you can)
a few packets of splenda
1.5 cups Emerald Diamond Cocoa Roasted Almonds (get these at Sam’s Club…they’re WAY cheaper)
→ Put it all in the blender or food processor in that order and blend till it looks like really thick nutella. I have to admit it’s a little sticky and hard to spread, but at 1400 calories for the entire batch, who can complain?